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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It annoys my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that professional help might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.